Big news my friends and enemies, I have officially gotten a development deal to write, star in, and executive produce my own sitcom for FX!!!! That's right bitches, and they said it couldn't be done! Actually, no one said that and there isn't even a they, but still...very exciting news. I am meeting with the network later this month to discuss the pilot that I wrote and figure out away to make the show even bigger and better and then hopefully soon we will shoot it, it will get picked up, and I can start dating women based solely on fame and fortune, cause honestly this pretending to have a personality shit is exhausting. I'll let you know as things progress, MO

I tattooed the word bitch on another man's butt cheek today. Not a lot of people can say that they've done that without then following it up with a story about how they had ended up in prison in the first place. I tattooed this dude's butt cheek as a guest on the "Johnny Dare" radio show, while promoting my shows in Kansas City. The guy was trying to win tickets and had to spin the "Wheel of Misfortune" to determine what he would have to do to earn the tickets, and it landed on get "Bitch" tattooed on your butt cheek, not the best spin possible, but also not the worst. Another option was getting "I love cock," tattoed on your butt cheek, which is kinda implied by getting the word "bitch" tatooed on your butt cheek, but at least there's still some ambiguity. "I love cock," pretty much says "I love cock," there's no, "that's French for macroons," nobodys buying it. The guy was willing to do this in order to get free tickets to Lynyrd Skynyrd, a pretty good band, kinda past their prime, at this point probably not worth defacing your body in a permanent fashion. And I was just looking at this redneck yokel as me and host of the show were tattooing his pimply red butt cheek, while he smiled and high-fived his hick friends, who were drinking Keystone Lights in the studio at 9am, and all I could think was "this poor man will never be allowed to be buried in a Jewish cemetery!" I just hope he thought that through, cause or else can you imagine the fights in that trailer tonight? He comes in and says,

"Brandine, I got me some tickets to Skynyrd by getting 'bitch' tattooed on my butt cheek!" and Brandine's all, "oi vey Cletus, why would you do such a thing, I'm veclempt Cletus I'm veclempt. On your tookas! It's a shanda."

"But they came with free burgers at the DQ,"

"Oh well then fuck them Jews! I'm Going to Skynyrd, I'm going to Skynyrd!"

The joke being that the guy could not have been less Jewish. The joke also being that this whole experience was work related. I dare anyone to get paid for doing something weirder then that and have it still be legal. On the career news tip, according to MTV it is between me and Wee Man, the midget from Jackass, to host a new show for them so here's hoping Wee Man falls down a well or gets recruited to make toys in the North Pole so I can get the job. Just when you thought it was a good idea to drink milk as a kid, you might loose out to a guy who is 3 feet tall.

Mandel out.